Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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