there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
