i need an iv and a liver transplant
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
