My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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