The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
