I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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