he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
