Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
