I wish I only lived at night.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize