Ambien. No doubt about it.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
