I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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