His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
