my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
