The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
