come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
