I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
