Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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