I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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