Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
