I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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