You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
