3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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