wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize