i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
