The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize