I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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