ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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