doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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