I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
