i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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