I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You ruined the universe
Randomize