I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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