He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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