I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
