My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
