Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize