your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
