wat bout pragnant strippers??
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
whose parrot is this?
I have fence marks all over my body
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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