I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
