we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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