You smell like a Billy Joel song
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
