this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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