anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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