I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize