it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
