I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
