i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize