I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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