you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
cat food counts as protein by the way
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
