Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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