she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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