Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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