Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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