The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
