had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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