Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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